sex education written on a chalkboard

Where is the G spot? How long does sex last? How often is everyone else having sex? What’s the average penis length? How do you make a woman orgasm? How can I be better at sex?

You asked… and we got an expert to answer. Sexologist and Sex Coach Nicole du Toit of Permission Coaching gave us brutally honest answers to some of your most Googled sex questions. 

How long does sex last?

Penetrative intercourse lasts an average of 3 to 7 minutes with 15 minutes being at the upper limit. If climax is achieved in under 1 minute, then it’s considered Premature Ejaculation, and there are a number of reasons for, and solutions to this phenomenon. But ejaculation doesn’t automatically need to signal the end of sex because sex is far broader than simple penetration; it’s made up of many different activities. So, the ideal length of time that sex should last? Ideally, until both partners are satisfied and agree to stop.

Where is the G spot?

A way in which a number of women achieve orgasm is through stimulation of the G-spot, named after German physician Ernst Gräfenberg, who wrote about it in the 1950s. It’s important to be aware that the G-spot is not actually a distinct part of your anatomy – you won’t find it listed in any anatomy books. 

It’s actually a spot in your vagina that connects to your clitoral network. Contrary to what we’re often taught, the Clitoris is much larger than just the little nub that’s visible from the outside, and has legs and bulbs that stretch out into your pelvic area. When you stimulate the G-spot you are pressing against tissue that’s connected to the internal aspects of the Clitoris. 

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The best way to find your G-spot is through self exploration. Lie on your back and relax (this works best when you’re aroused), then slide a finger inside your vagina, feeling along the top wall – the top wall is the one on your belly button side. As you feel you may notice that there’s a raised section of tissue that creates a different sensation when you press on it. That is your G-spot. Some women find that there’s no discernible raised patch of tissue. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a G-spot, I like to say that yours just likes to be more mysterious. All you need to do is stimulate the top of your vaginal wall with your finger until you find the area where the sensation is different to the rest of the vaginal canal. 

Stimulating the G-spot is then a matter of preference. It is often suggested that you try the “come hither” movement with your finger, others prefer press-and-release pressure, still others like rubbing in any number of directions. It is not a one size fits all approach. It’s about finding what works for you and your body.

smiley face made using condoms and a banana

How often is everyone else having sex? 

My usual answer to this is, “how often do you think they are having sex?” because it’s usually an indicator of how often the person I’m speaking with wants to have sex. The fact is that there’s a big range in the data from research on how often couples in long-term relationships are having sex. Averages range from once a week to once a month, while almost all couples say they would like sex more frequently – which is one of the reasons I have a job! The real question to ask yourselves, both as a couple and as individuals, is whether or not you are satisfied with your sex life. If not, then it’s time to look at ways of working together as a couple to improve the situation.

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What’s the average penis size?

This is a question I get asked a lot by men. The global average for erect penis size is 13,5cm. This number is a lot lower than many assume it would be because of how much we are influenced by porn culture, but the numbers don’t lie. There’s a variance in size by country with Ecuador having the largest average size at 17,6cm, and Cambodia with the lowest at 10,04cm.

ruler measurement sex

How do you make a woman orgasm? 

Patience and observation. That’s the simplest answer that I can give to what is a very complex question. There’s no one-size-fits-all method to making a woman orgasm. We know things like stimulating the clitoris is the most effective way to help a woman reach orgasm, and that only 18% of women report having vaginal orgasms from penetration. There are so many factors that play into orgasms from hormones, setting, mood, life circumstance, safety etc. that it’s not possible to create a quick check list of do 1, 2, 3 and orgasm guaranteed. 

I work with a number of women who have struggled to orgasm with their partners, and while everyone has the ability to orgasm, none of these women have had the same solutions in the end. The best advice I can give is to pay attention to what turns a woman on, communicate and ask for feedback on what feels good and what feels great, and then be patient and try not to make your partner feel pressured to orgasm. Few things are likely to kill an orgasm more than feeling pressured or rushed.

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What can I do to be better at sex? 

This is a genuinely good question. Well done Internet! The answer probably isn’t what you were looking for though. Being good at sex has nothing to do with technique and stamina. Great sex happens when there’s connection, passion and freedom. For those things to happen there needs to be a lot of communication. Don’t rush it, set time aside intentionally for sex to happen, and enjoy the foreplay aspects. Don’t take yourself, or sex, so seriously. It’s not a competition. Sex is supposed to be fun experience where you get to share yourself with your partner and vice versa. Be vulnerable with your emotions and your likes and dislikes in the bedroom. If you want something to happen you need to ask for it – no matter how well our partners know us, they cannot read our thoughts.

Probably the easiest, and at the same time most tricky for some, piece of advice I can give is “just own it”. Love yourself. Be confident in your body. Your partner knows what you look like, your clothes don’t hide what you look like, and they want to have sex with you. There is no reason to turn off the lights and just lie there under the covers. Embrace the sexy side of yourself, and be confident in your body. A comment that I get from so many men is that they wish their partners would be more confident in their bodies and see themselves as gorgeous as their men do. You are a sexual force to be reckoned with. Just own it.

Why does sex feel so good?

Another complex question! Hormones is the simple answer. Sex is an activity that allows all of our feel-good and love hormones to bubble up, which makes for that intoxicating mix of feeling “sex drunk”. The parts of our brain that are responsible for us being logical and risk averse get quieted down, leaving us feeling free and uninhibited. We are having close, skin on skin contact with our partner which creates that deep sense of bonding, of seeing and being seen.

All of this combines with the physical feeling of pleasure from various parts of our bodies, and then climax pulls it all together and lights up our brain so much that our speech center shuts down and our muscles spasm involuntarily, creating a release of emotion and stresses that we have been storing in our bodies. It feels so good, because it IS so good. And I haven’t even mentioned all the health benefits!

nicole du toit sex and intimacy coachNicole du Toit is a Sexologist and Intimacy (sex) Coach in private practice. She specialises in sexual shame, feminine empowerment and digital education. You can contact Nicole by visiting her website here

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