“Talking to my plants & other things I do during lockdown”

Day 375 of lockdown: My psychiatrist assures me that talking to my pot plants is fine. I only have to worry when they start talking back. This day may be coming sooner than I’d like.

My first hint that I might not be the best candidate for a lockdown was the panic buying debacle. I would love to say I didn’t panic buy because I was being a responsible member of society; but, unfortunately, my reasons were not that mature.

The first reason was my bank – which told me I could not afford to panic buy; I could only panic.

The next reason was I realised that I am not adult enough to panic buy. I have no idea what I need to stock up on for my family for a month! I like to tell people that the reason I go to the shops three or four times a week is that I like the social interaction and I’m inspired to get fresh ingredients for my creative, organic homemade meals. The truth is, I tend to forget the ingredients for ready-made meals – like the actual ready-made meal.

“For a moment I consider whether the rest of the world might be stockpiling toilet paper because they were all as insecure as I was. Shaking off the frightening thought, I headed back toward the sweets aisle.”

As I pushed the trolley, clinking and full of chocolate, up and down the aisles, trying to be as quick as possible, while still getting all the essentials every member of the family would need for a month, maintaining a safe distance from everyone, and sanitising my hands every three feet, I came to the toilet paper aisle. For a moment my hand hovered over a second pack. I knew I didn’t need it, but at least I’d be able to say I got some essential supplies. For a moment I considered whether the rest of the world might be stockpiling toilet paper because they were all as insecure as I was. Shaking off the frightening thought, I headed back toward the sweets aisle.

Toddler playing in fully stocked grocery cupboard
Stocked up with the essentials: baked beans and chocolate

“I see you got the essentials,” Himself muttered sardonically as I later put away the bottles and the chocolate.

“Would you really like to be locked in a house with me for three weeks without this?”

He thought for a moment, mentally counting, and told me if I needed him to go to the shops the next day, he would risk the last-day-before-lockdown-madness to get me anything I might need.

“Did I really buy that many tins of cheap baked beans, or have they started to mate in the cupboard?” I asked as I glared suspiciously into the grocery cupboard, not really listening to Himself.

Himself has had no problems adjusting to life under house arrest; he spends his time working on long streams of data and sinister schematics in the study as he works from home and then retreats to the work shed to make ominous crashing and banging noises. He assures me he is not building a death ray or some other means of taking over the world, but I have to take his word for it. Despite hours of explaining what he does, all I can contribute to the conversation is: “That looks pretty. I like the colours.”

Slytherin Baby is also adjusting better than I thought she would. Up until now, Slytherin Baby’s favourite hobby has been to go to the shops, or for long walks, and either to have long conversations with people or to stare intently at them as they walk past. And then turn around in her pram to continue to stare creepily at them as they leave. But she has adjusted and has taken to talking incessantly to her parents. And occasionally staring at them creepily. She’s also found a new hobby – climbing into the back of the Tupperware cupboard and banging things around.

“What are you doing in there?” I asked her as she crawled out last night, looking a little too innocent.

“Ma da, woo brahhh,” she replied quickly. Which I took to mean, “Don’t worry, I’m not building a death ray or some other means of taking over the world.”

Baby girl with father playing on keyboard
Slytherin Baby with Himself, keeping busy during lockdown

As for me, I’ve been reading posts on how to improve yourself during lockdown while simultaneously being absolutely present for your child, maintaining your full-time work schedule and improving your relationship with your husband, all while cooking nutritious meals that don’t include five tins of cheap baked beans. Then I eat some more chocolate and run to stop Slytherin Baby from accidentally killing herself.

Occasionally I find time to do something for myself, like have a cup of coffee and write an article; but I have to go now because there is ominous banging from the tool shed and suspicious silence from the Tupperware cupboard and that orchid looks like it’s giving me attitude.

 

amy-lalouette-mommys-off-her-medsAmy Lalouette lives with Himself (her very patient husband) and Slytherin Baby. By day she’s an English teacher and by night she reads, writes, holds murder mystery parties and does belly dancing. Unfortunately, all this interferes with her lifelong ambition to have a spotless house and an empty laundry basket! She records her experiences (and confusion) of pregnancy and being a first-time parent on her personal blog “Mommy’s Off her Meds”.

amy lalouette babyyumyum writer
Amy Lalouette lives with Himself (her very patient husband) and Slytherin Baby. By day she’s an English teacher and by night she reads, writes, holds murder mystery parties and does belly dancing. Unfortunately, all this interferes with her lifelong ambition to have a spotless house and an empty laundry basket! She records her experiences (and confusion) of pregnancy and being a first-time parent on her personal blog “Mommy’s Off her Meds”.