We all know about man flu, just imagine man pregnancy! This tongue-in-cheek article takes a look at how some women believe their other halves may experience pregnancy.
Man-ternity leave will start at conception and continue for two years postpartum.
Morning sickness will rank as the worlds #1 health problem. Luckily, they (men) won’t need sick notes as they will already be on man-ternity leave.
They would need 24 months of bed rest (starting at conception) with their feet up, preferably on a recliner in front of the TV, with a TV remote within reach and a caregiver to take care of their needs. Even better if the caregiver is their mother, because their wives will be working voluntary 18 hours shifts, seven days a week.
Baby showers will be inexpensive and easy to throw, scheduled around a soccer match – or it could even be a play station party. Gifts? Who needs gifts? Just take non-alcoholic beverages and snacks! If you actually want to take a gift, please make sure it is Star Wars themed.
There will be no need to go for monthly check-ups. We all know how much men hate going to the doctor.
On the other hand, ICUs will be overflowing with patients suffering from reflux, nausea and body pains.
“Morning sickness will rank as the worlds #1 health problem.”
There would be World War 3 and 4 and 5… Men and hormones just won’t go together. In fact, pregnancy will even qualify as a mitigating factor in sentencing in a criminal court.
Fortunately, they won’t complain much about their weight because they will have an excuse to eat all the junk that they want. As for their wardrobes, they will be quite happy not wearing much. All they will need are boxer shorts as they will be on bed rest, remember?
The human race will face extinction, as most men will choose not to have kids or only have one. Then again, even if the brave decided to have one child they would probably die during childbirth. Forget about medical insurance, they are going to need life insurance!
Ambulance services will be inundated with emergency Braxton hicks calls.
Epidurals will be administered for pain from the third trimester and will not even require authorisation from the medical insurance company.
Only one baby will be booked for delivery per day as the entire man-ternity ward will have to be on standby to offer moral support. Let’s not forget their mothers, who have to be present for the birth.
Gynaecologists will encourage coma-induced deliveries.
Post-birth trauma counselling will be covered by medical insurance in the unlikely event they actually survive.
Caesars are operations! You cannot possibly expect them to look after a newborn baby after an operation. Do you know how long it takes for a man to recover from the flu? An operation will take a few months’ recovery at least!
Post-delivery, babies will have to stay in hospital until they sleep through the night and are potty trained.
All babies will be breastfed, because you can breastfeed in your sleep!