I am a mother

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Zingce sana lwam – take pride in who you are!

“I am a mother now,” I said to myself. When the nurse at the hospital told me it was a girl, I repeated after her with an astonished look, “It’s a girl?” Then I started crying uncontrollably. She gave my baby to me and asked why I was crying; I told her I had wanted a boy.

I knew it was a girl as I’d already been for a gender scan but because I wanted a boy so badly, I started doubting the accuracy of scans and believing in “what ifs”. Now faced with the moment of truth, I knew the gender of the baby should never be an issue and that babies must be loved unconditionally. I had my reasons, which seemed important at the time, but they do not matter anymore because this little soul is what matters now.

My baby girl is now 16 weeks old and I named her Zingce, which means “pride”. I gave her the name because she was born under unfortunate circumstances. Her dad was stabbed and died instantly when I was only five months’ pregnant. I didn’t even believe she’d survive due to the depression I suffered. I don’t know how, but she did and all I want for her is to embrace the circumstances of her birth and grow into something so wonderful, hopefully.

“My baby girl is now 16 weeks old and I named her Zingce, which means ‘pride’. I gave her the name because she was born under unfortunate circumstances.”

Gone too soon, man, at only 26 years! He died two weeks after his birthday and I had been too broke to get him a gift. Instead, I told him I’d be gifting him with fatherhood and that was enough for him. Oh Lord, was it enough! He loved his unborn child and wanted to give her the kind of childhood that he’d missed out on. He was preparing himself to be the best dad he could be.

It breaks my heart thinking that my daughter will miss out on his love and warmth. It seemed only fair to give him an heir and I wanted to gift him one last time, God. I wanted to carry on his name – I needed that for him.

I carry on with my life with this beautiful soul that shines brighter with every new day. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be. It’s very challenging to be a young 24-year-old, unemployed mother of a fatherless daughter, but she’s worth it. There are days that I feel down and want to curl up in bed for at least a week, but my sunshine is here to save me. I became strong for her.

I carry so much guilt because I’ve spent a lot of time feeling down and not focusing on her, but what’s important now is where we’re at and where we’re going. Loving her is so therapeutic and every day she amazes me! I have a very special child and love her cuteness; all I have for her is love and more love. In fact, she has given me double the love, as I see her father each time I look at her.

Written by Siya Kwenxe

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