Robynn Osborne explores her feelings about motherhood in depth in this moving poem.
I glanced upon my image
Knowing that it would soon change
The feeling I expected to come over me
Was somehow in a haze.
Unplanned in every sense
The fear was somehow real
Thrown off the course of ‘self’
How could I ever heal?
This moment all worth sharing
Or so I’d envisioned it to be
This wasn’t the time or place
And yet everyone would soon see.
I hid you from the world
Not sure what to make of it all
The ebb and flow of life
Felt more like a free fall.
Considering my options
I’m sure you know them all
I’d like to say my conscious saved you
But it was the coward backed against the wall.
Three months went by so fast
And yet my world still felt still
I was not ready to accept it
Too afraid of the next thrill.
But then I heard your heart beat
Felt kicks and tugs within
Your presence all-consuming
Pulling chords on each heartstring.
The disappointment that I’d been braced for
Prepared for it in heaps and bounds
That was out of sight completely
That happens when love abounds.
But when I finally met you
I must say I expected more
I thought when I first saw you
I’d have sensations and feelings galore.
To say it was all genuine would be a lie
That each emotion was raw and real
I was merely doing what I thought I should
To please the onlookers who had looks I knew could kill.
But I took you home and slowly
Like the momentous seasons change
I started to really love you
In the most colossal ways.
Things didn’t go as expected
What was I doing wrong?
“Is this punishment for my thoughts before?”
Became my mind’s new favourite song.
For starters you cried for hours
And time felt all too slow
I was alone and sombre
With no will or place to go.
Your sleep was next to nothing
And nothing I seemed to do
Would ever make you content
So my life’s colours faded to blues.
But you continued growing
And all milestones were soon reached
I decided to focus on small victories instead
And all anxiety ceased.
The journey is far from over
And there’ll be plenty more tears to cry
I’ll sometimes lose my patience
And later stop to ask myself why.
You’re only little for a moment
Compared to the time scale of this life
So, my little darling dear
I’m sorry for the times I filled the days with strife.
I genuinely am trying
And though dark moments sometimes fill my head
I remember clouds birth rainstorms
And then I can pull myself out of bed.
I’ve watched you stare at me for hours
And gaze into my eyes
It’s then that I’m reminded
That for every low there are several highs.
So, to my precious petal
Three years have gone so fast
And despite our most rough journey
I would never change my past.